Dancing Through Darkness
Out on the grand stage
The lights are blinding, people are gathered
All that matters right now is this moment
This very moment
It means more than anything else
So much time spent on getting the moves right
Understanding the music
Understanding the calculated landings
How they go in sync
Expressing the practiced pirouette with grace
Consciously being full of expression, full of extension
Yet deliberately containing yourself
Remember, don’t be too much
Too much can withdraw the respect, the admiration of others
Putting in all those hours, the hours spent rehearsing
Refining
They are all leading to this very moment
But right there, at the bottom of your mind
Just about where skull meets neck
There is a lingering voice, a lingering thought
This thought it stalks, this thought loiters uninvited
This thought is left unsaid, under-developed, unrecognizable to the those closest to you
Most of the time, unrecognizable to even yourself
These roaring thoughts, they seep, they pour
Subconsciously, without your notice, they start to exploit
Sometimes they work even harder than you let yourself work
How can that be? Something so connected to you, yet you feel so far away
These obtrusive thoughts, they begin to hinder your true potential
Stopping your intrinsic, your real happiness from being appreciated
You slowly become stage shy
You quickly fail to recall the next spin, the next landing
The one you stayed up numerous nights practicing
Because the thoughts, they become all consuming
Thoughts of parents who only knew to speak through abuse
Physical, Emotional, Mental
Abuse, all the same
All one language
Seemingly enough, this becomes the only language you fluently learned
At an age where you should be learning cursive
You keep forgetting what was practiced next, third position?
Too easy, you once thought
You forget how to land even in second position
The language
Of the best friend you spoke to enthusiastically of life one day
So vigorously, full of light, full of life
Enough to never to imagine that the next day
The next day their seat in front of you, it would become forever empty
You text
You call
You go to 2nd hour
You do not know this now but soon you will
Soon you will know this best friend, this light was in so much pain
That the only way out, was far, far away
Plie? No way you can land that now
The language
Of your brothers friend
Quickly turned family, who went before his life had even began
Went far away, to a place no one knows much about
A place we all want to understand and find faith in
A place we can only hope he is happier in
The crowd is quiet now, they’re now waiting for your next setback
The language
The language of multitudes of tragedy
The language of a solo gone wrong
You forget to sauter correctly, what is next?
The language
Of the ones closest to you hurting
Hurting so bad
Yet, you yourself, you feel immobile
Unable, inadequate
Inadequate to perform, inadequate to be there for them
The lights are blinding you now
Because at the bottom of your mind, just about where skull meets neck
You realize you can help them, with words, with comfort
With safety, with reassurance that this isn’t it, this isn’t all of it
Are you too late?
Who are you to provide that?
You just had one dance
Why does this moment matter so much?
But here you go, you quiet the noise
Drown out the crowd
And remember, fiercely remember you have been here before
You have been broken, down, alone
You have forgotten all your practiced moves
All the time you spent on perfecting your landing
Yet, you didn’t prevent the obtrusive thoughts from lingering
Here is the now, the lights are blinding, the people gathered
Right now all that matters is this moment
This very moment
It means more than anything else
This pirouette is not just you spinning on your left foot four spins later
This very moment, this very spin, if conquered correctly
This very landing will give you the strength to provide others
Provide others with the will to move forward
Ensue them with the poise, the grace they need to fall into their next move
Help them understand how to gracefully land their calculated moves
And also in essence, your own
Know how to be full of expression, full of extension within oneself
All those hours you have spent practicing
It was never only for you, or for this expected, perfected moment
Once you allow yourself to translate your movements, to words unspoken
Then maybe, just maybe
Your dance, you practiced landings, your hurt, your scars, your stories
They all slowly, beautifully become one in the same
You might be covered with scars, with unspoken hurt
But this very recipe is what makes you, you
Look now, strong woman, look up at those blinding lights
Smile at that gathered crowd
Perfectly land that pirouette and all the ones after
For now you have shown others, the pain is worth the practice, worth the hurt, worth the scars
Because at the end of your pirouette, you are not only getting it right for yourself
That language you learned, the only one you thought you knew fluently
You are now able to create a new one, not one that destroys
But one that rescues